Posted in My Journal

5 Things I Do During Break (Happy (Late) New Year and I’m Back!!)

These past weeks, I’d been experienced emotional roller coaster, countless panic attack and anxiety to the point I suffer from hypersomnia (again). I can’t even count how many days I’d been woke up with feeling scared, breathless, anxious whenever I saw clock ticking. Everyday, I pray the day will passed soon so I don’t have to feel the pain. I’m not saying I’m fully free from depression or any mental illness symptoms yet, but I feel lot better than previous week.

Although I’m in suicidal due to the news of Jonghyun SHINee’s death, but I was able to freed myself by doing these 5 things. I hope you will find this helpful.

1) Writing Journal

Read my post: “Writing a Journal, Ways To Control Emotion” 

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I don’t think I need to talk more about this tiny friend. But one thing you have to know, three days after I notice I start getting another flashback before sleep, I wrote on my journal. I just let everything poured out, not hold myself (if you don’t know, in 2011, whenever I write a diary entry, I suddenly hears a voice said “Oh, you’re such drama queen” and it stopped me to write). Several pages later, I feel slightly better. No more choked feeling or flashback before sleep.

2) Talking To (Very) Trusted Friend

When I was diagnosed on 2015, there’s two people who stay by my side aside from my family. Then I found the third person on 2017. But this third person isn’t supportive enough, unlike the other two. Surprisingly, this third person is one of cause that made me depressed once again. Because of him, I spend several days looked at ceiling until my tears fall.

I was scared to talk to anyone because I know part of it is my fault. Whenever I get close to male and I trust him, I will constantly clingy. Later I found out I probably have athazagoraphobia (fear of forgetting or being forgotten or being ignored). I know I shouldn’t self-diagnosing, but this isn’t first time I become clingy to a person that I trust, as if I’m scared I will be forgotten. It was happened when I was 16, as well. Whenever I feel that person will mad and leave me, I will apologized and beg so that person will stay, no matter whose fault it is.

After a week with constant crying, panic attack, even asthma attack, I finally talked to the two people I trusted. One is my best friend from college, one is my ex-boyfriend (sounds weird, huh? but he’s only male outside of my family who understand my situation). The result is surprising me. I stopped self-harm, as I’m getting calm with their soothing words. I spend everyday before New Year by texted them, talked about how I feel. There’s part of me that feels happy knowing they’re still care about me, no matter how busy they are. They’re still best person I have in my darkest time.

3) Talking To Parents

This is the hardest part, I know. But you know what? When the whole world against you, your parents always have your back. You can try it by writing a simple letter. When I was 13-14, I was in rebel stage. Whenever my parents start scolding me, I would turn my back and shut my door. I was immature back then. And I found the best way to solve argument is writing a letter.

Slowly, I opened up to them about my condition. That time, my condition is worse, I lose appetite and energy to do anything. Now, if I looked lifeless, unable to eat and my eyes get swollen, my father will ask, ” Are you upset with someone?”. He will ask several times, then hug me. The last thing I could do if that happen is crying out all feelings I hold for days or weeks.

Talking requires lots of courage, but I guarantee, once you do it, you’ll realize who’s your real supporter.

4) Watching Anime or Movies 

One of best way to distract myself from problems is watching something I like. Usually I watch Criminal Minds or NCIS, but lately I feel like these show didn’t help, so I switch to anime. I watch several titles, and there’s one title I watch multiple times: Ouran High School Host Club. I start my morning routine by watching Ouran High School Host Club every single day (until today), even when I typing this, I have Episode 17 as background. LOL.

This series made me forget the cruel things that happened recently. How could I forget the enjoyment of watching anime? I used to watch Doraemon every Sunday when I was kid, sometimes I watch Power Rangers after that. Then I remember the reason why I lose interest on anime for past 2 years: Depression

I also watch a movie with my friend few days ago and had sleepover at her place which is fun, because last time I had sleepover with her was a week before I resigned. After watching anime and movie that I like, slowly I feel better and have no flashback before sleep.

5) Going To The Spa

One of my favorite relaxing time is spa. I have one favorite place, it is Chikara Women Spa.

3 Tempat Favorite Untuk Perawatan (2)

In 2014, I wrote my first experience in here. When I went here for first time, I chose Beauty package, but yesterday I chose Max Relax. The package include Body Massage, Relaxing Face/Totok, Hair/Scalp Treatment.

Before I get a job, I usually going to spa once in three months. So if I going to spa on December, I will go back again on March. But it’s been a year since last time I went to spa for good massage, so yesterday I was thinking, ” Maybe today is time for me to relax,”. And after getting massage, I can sleep peacefully.

For point no. 5, you don’t have to do it, not everyone has luxury for this, some can’t afford and others don’t have time. You can change it with reading book or drawing, or anything that you feel as relaxing.

That’s all 5 things I do before I fully comeback to blogging. It’s brand new year, and one of my goal is being more productive with writing and Youtube.

Let’s make 2018 great year!!

Happy New Year, everyone!!

(/^^)/ (/^^)/ (/^^)/

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Posted in My Journal

Taking Break (See You Next Year)

After four months of trying to get back to the blog and Youtube, I started to feel tired. Mentally, not physically.

Why?

I feel like I’ve giving myself pressure to post three times a week. I even try 30 Days Gaming and 30 Days Blogging on the other blog. Apparently, I can not commit to writing every day because I also take care of behind-the-scenes work and Youtube channels. For my own work, I use an apps that can help scheduling my work. As for Youtube, because I upload every day, I use the feature schedule. For Shining Jewels blog, some reviews are scheduled, especially for game review, because I can finish 1 game in 1 day. So overall, Shining Jewels has no problem.

But for Diary of Brunette (my Indonesian language blog), I have to think harder. For those of you who don’t know, the most common symptom of the depression is the loss of interest. I used to love reading books. Everytime I go to the mall, Gramedia always be the first destination. But since I got  depressed, I’m too lazy to go out. Even now, I’m going out only for monthly shopping or movies. My passion for adventure is gone, and has not come back to this day. This condition makes me stressed out in managing Diary of Brunette.

I also plan on rewriting my repeatedly-rejected-novel-script (LOL). The problem is, my time management is messed up. I just realized, if I do something related to money or fame (example: book publishing, participate in the writing competition), I will stress because I want it as perfect as possible. And it made me can’t fully enjoy the process.

So, after this, I want to take a break from blog and Youtube for two-three weeks. I think that’s enough time to take care of myself and plan for the next year.

Thank you for anyone who read this post. I hope this post is not sound very negative.

See you next year, guys ❤

Posted in My Journal

Writing a Journal, Ways To Control Emotion

When you were a child, do you ever write a diary? Back then, when we were in elementary school, we, at least once, written a page or two about what we experienced on that day. This activity is considered as childhood activity and feels too childish if you’re doing it when you’re old. But, have you ever thought that writing can be the ways to control emotions?

In previous post, I talked about my strange condition. If you’re not read it yet, you can click here

In that post, I mentioned that I wrote morning pages and angry notes to reduce panic attacks. And today I want to discuss how morning pages and angry notes help me control my emotions

1. Morning Pages

This idea comes from a video titled

Morning Pages – Write Daily For Clarity, Creativity, Productivity

 

The concept is to write three pages each morning. The benefits of writing the morning pages are to increase creativity, as a self-reflection, increase productivity, and most importantly, is to clear your mind. Sometimes our minds are full and it made us stressful. With this morning pages, we can clear out those decluttered minds that cause stress.

At first, it was hard to write three pages, so I started by writing one page every morning.

What should we write in the morning pages?

Anything. You can write what happened on the previous day, or things that you wanna accomplish on that day. Anything can be written into the morning pages. This is one of important points in writing morning pages. Write down things that we’ve been thinking.

Actually writing a journal, like morning pages, is one of the Cognitive Behavioral Test therapy method that my psychiatrist advises. It helps really when I start get flashback or when I thinking something negative.

 

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And this is my journal for morning pages. Like I said, I only able to write one page per day. After three months, I slowly manage to control myself and my mind becomes more clear.

 

2. Angry Notes

The concept is similar to the morning pages, except this notes is written when I’m upset/angry

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Actually the idea of making this angry notes comes after a few days I write morning pages. Whenever I write morning pages about things that make me annoyed, I will become more aggressive. I use too much capital letters and exclamation marks. Then I think I need to write in another book, because I want this morning pages to be a kind of self-reflection. I’ll be stressful if I see the neat handwriting alongside the messy handwriting. SInce then, I decided to use another notebook to be my angry notes.

The result?

It’s very effective. Whenever I see something irritating, I’ll just grab this notes and write whatever’s in my brain. This method is quite effective in reducing the unhealthy habit on social media, such as typing whining tweet.

This journal method allows us to sort out thoughts that create stress and thoughts that make us calm. By writing a journal, we can say anything without being afraid of being misjudged by others (but you have to keep it safe, don’t put it on public). Because of this, I rarely update the unimportant things on Facebook, Twitter and Insta Story. I actively share things that make me happy and try to post something that will hurt anyone around me.

These method are really helping me on depression recovery. Now I become more calm when I get a problem, also I become more productive.

So, how is it? Interest to try it? 🙂

 

Video credit: Lavendaire

Posted in My Journal

UPDATE: Struggling With Weird Illness and Recent Activity

Another update.

I feel like I’ve been missing from this blog for too long. If you’re not follow my Twitter (@MissAmelie15), you probably are not read my updates on there.

In the last few weeks, I have some health issue. It’s not asthma, but something else that make me feel no energy. There’s time I feel sleepy and tired just by doing activity, heavy or light. Even just walking to the convinience store can make me feel tired. Slightly tired. If I go somewhere that crowded in one day, the next day I will exhausted and get a headache. If that happen, the only thing I can do is sleep. It goes like this:

-When I’m doing activity that requires brainwork, going to crowded place, I’ll feel tired on next day. On the day when I’m doing indoor activity, I able to finish 3 blog post/6 hour walkthrough videos/5 pages novel script. Usually I take nap around 10 AM to 12 AM. That’s a Normal Day me. Same goes with outdoor activity.

-While on next day, which I call it Rest Day, I only able to do one light activity like washing dishes. After that I’ll sleep from 8 AM to 12 PM and from 1 PM to 4 PM. It’s 7 hour in total. After 7 hour sleep, all I can do is just eat and watching TV. I can’t do any heavy work.

-If I’m doing outdoor activity for 1-2 weeks, it will takes 4 days to recover.

That’s what happen lately, and that’s the true reason why I quit from my job. I don’t talk this to anyone but my father. I’m afraid my work colleague will think I’m too weak. I often deny the fact that I have these issues, but after I quit, I know I can’t deny it anymore. It’s fact and I have to deal it.

My plan is go to doctor at the end of October. I’ll not search any specialist right now, I just need to the general problem that I have. I wish it’s not something serious like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

For those of you who don’t know, I talk about my depression several times in here. I’ve been open up since I’m clinically diagnosed on 2015. There’s time I got flashbacks that cause panic attack, which I think it also contribute to my recent condition. But thankfully I able to control it by doing morning journal and angry notes (I’ll talk about this angry notes later).

And talk about activity, considering my condition isn’t good for working in another 9-5 job, I’m taking freelance job. I also upload walkthrough video everyday, but due to my condition, most of my videos is pre-recorded. I write an article on UC News to add paycheck as well. I’m grateful I still live with my father, so I don’t have to think about bills. I use my money goes for skincare, medicine, meals and movie ticket because I need to watch movies for my article material.

I have one and two plans on next month, but for now, that’s my priority. I need to fix my health problem and focus on Youtube/Wattpad. But of course, I’ll still blogging 3 times in a week. If you’re not see me on my usual blog schedule (Monday/Wednesday/Friday), then you know what’s going on.

Thank you for anyone who spare time to read this long post. If you want to see my daily updates or maybe discuss topics (but no politics, please), feel free to check my Twitter @MissAmelie15. I also sometime update Insta Story on my Instagram account (missamelie15), but Twitter still best social media for me.

Thank you, and see you soon 🙂

 

Posted in My Journal

Set The Priority

Just a quick note.

I was in middle of recording video walkthrough. I need to finish several games if I want to start writing on my novel.

I know this is crazy, taking 2 weeks just for play games. People will think I’m hopeless, jobless, whatever, but this is my life. I choose to be reviewer, writer, and gamer. I know what am I doing.

I’ll be back blogging in Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

So, have a nice day and see you soon, guys ❤

Posted in My Journal

30 Days Of Gaming and Happy 100 Subs! ^^

First of all I want to say thank you for 100 subscribers on my Youtube channel. I’m surprised there are people like my videos, eventhough my video only contains games walkthrough. For that, I want to decide for this month, the theme of my blog is Games 🙂

I know I’m reviewing more games, but  this month I’m going to discuss more specific like progress game I’m playing or my favorite developer.

Because now I work freelance, I’ll have more time to play games and discuss it here ^^
But, it does not mean I only talk about games. Occasionally I’ll review movie (if there’s something I want to watch) and books.

Maybe in the future I will use another theme?

Who knows?

Just wait and see

(^_^)

Posted in My Journal

{JOURNAL} The Tunnel Vision: How I Survive From Suicidal Thoughts

For those of you who read my last post, maybe you know what I wrote at that time. I’m suicidal. And I almost ended my own life. Luckily I was able to contacted my friend, a fellow survivor of mental illness (she suffers from social anxiety). I’m glad I spoke to her. I do not know what will happen if I do not try to contact anyone. After I talked to her, my condition gradually improved. And right now, I’m setting my priorities for what I have to do before the end of August.

Do you ever heard of Tunnel Vision? From what I’ve read, Tunnel Vision is a term used for someone who has suicidal tendencies. Like a tunnel, the person only sees light as a way out from tunnel. In my case, my tunnel vision, my way out from all these problem is having a boyfriend. Having a boyfriend means I will have someone who always supports me. But unfortunately, my relationship never runs smoothly. 3 times dating and all failed. And every time I broke up, I felt lonely, I felt the whole world hate me, I felt I’m not deserved to be loved.

My main problem is the lack of support from my closest person, such as family and friends. I do not know how many times I gave up because my parents stopped paying for my music course. I do not know how many times I gave up trying to go to dance school because of money issues. I felt hopeless. It become worse when my late mother said ” Why do you need support? You already strong”.

I was hope that I’m really strong.

Fortunately, my friend was able convince that I can survive. I can go through all these problems, without depending on other people. She said it doesn’t matter if I’m single. My happiness shouldn’t be depends on my relationship status. I don’t need a guy to make myself happy. And that time, I found my way out from my tunnel.

Yes, this is how I survive from suicidal thoughts. I set a goal and I see it as my way out from my tunnel a.k.a problem. I don’t know if I’m ready to be failed, but without a certain goal, I’ll keep thinking how worthless I am.