These past weeks, I’d been experienced emotional roller coaster, countless panic attack and anxiety to the point I suffer from hypersomnia (again). I can’t even count how many days I’d been woke up with feeling scared, breathless, anxious whenever I saw clock ticking. Everyday, I pray the day will passed soon so I don’t have to feel the pain. I’m not saying I’m fully free from depression or any mental illness symptoms yet, but I feel lot better than previous week.
Although I’m in suicidal due to the news of Jonghyun SHINee’s death, but I was able to freed myself by doing these 5 things. I hope you will find this helpful.
1) Writing Journal
Read my post: “Writing a Journal, Ways To Control Emotion”
I don’t think I need to talk more about this tiny friend. But one thing you have to know, three days after I notice I start getting another flashback before sleep, I wrote on my journal. I just let everything poured out, not hold myself (if you don’t know, in 2011, whenever I write a diary entry, I suddenly hears a voice said “Oh, you’re such drama queen” and it stopped me to write). Several pages later, I feel slightly better. No more choked feeling or flashback before sleep.
2) Talking To (Very) Trusted Friend
When I was diagnosed on 2015, there’s two people who stay by my side aside from my family. Then I found the third person on 2017. But this third person isn’t supportive enough, unlike the other two. Surprisingly, this third person is one of cause that made me depressed once again. Because of him, I spend several days looked at ceiling until my tears fall.
I was scared to talk to anyone because I know part of it is my fault. Whenever I get close to male and I trust him, I will constantly clingy. Later I found out I probably have athazagoraphobia (fear of forgetting or being forgotten or being ignored). I know I shouldn’t self-diagnosing, but this isn’t first time I become clingy to a person that I trust, as if I’m scared I will be forgotten. It was happened when I was 16, as well. Whenever I feel that person will mad and leave me, I will apologized and beg so that person will stay, no matter whose fault it is.
After a week with constant crying, panic attack, even asthma attack, I finally talked to the two people I trusted. One is my best friend from college, one is my ex-boyfriend (sounds weird, huh? but he’s only male outside of my family who understand my situation). The result is surprising me. I stopped self-harm, as I’m getting calm with their soothing words. I spend everyday before New Year by texted them, talked about how I feel. There’s part of me that feels happy knowing they’re still care about me, no matter how busy they are. They’re still best person I have in my darkest time.
3) Talking To Parents
This is the hardest part, I know. But you know what? When the whole world against you, your parents always have your back. You can try it by writing a simple letter. When I was 13-14, I was in rebel stage. Whenever my parents start scolding me, I would turn my back and shut my door. I was immature back then. And I found the best way to solve argument is writing a letter.
Slowly, I opened up to them about my condition. That time, my condition is worse, I lose appetite and energy to do anything. Now, if I looked lifeless, unable to eat and my eyes get swollen, my father will ask, ” Are you upset with someone?”. He will ask several times, then hug me. The last thing I could do if that happen is crying out all feelings I hold for days or weeks.
Talking requires lots of courage, but I guarantee, once you do it, you’ll realize who’s your real supporter.
4) Watching Anime or Movies
One of best way to distract myself from problems is watching something I like. Usually I watch Criminal Minds or NCIS, but lately I feel like these show didn’t help, so I switch to anime. I watch several titles, and there’s one title I watch multiple times: Ouran High School Host Club. I start my morning routine by watching Ouran High School Host Club every single day (until today), even when I typing this, I have Episode 17 as background. LOL.
This series made me forget the cruel things that happened recently. How could I forget the enjoyment of watching anime? I used to watch Doraemon every Sunday when I was kid, sometimes I watch Power Rangers after that. Then I remember the reason why I lose interest on anime for past 2 years: Depression
I also watch a movie with my friend few days ago and had sleepover at her place which is fun, because last time I had sleepover with her was a week before I resigned. After watching anime and movie that I like, slowly I feel better and have no flashback before sleep.
5) Going To The Spa
One of my favorite relaxing time is spa. I have one favorite place, it is Chikara Women Spa.
In 2014, I wrote my first experience in here. When I went here for first time, I chose Beauty package, but yesterday I chose Max Relax. The package include Body Massage, Relaxing Face/Totok, Hair/Scalp Treatment.
Before I get a job, I usually going to spa once in three months. So if I going to spa on December, I will go back again on March. But it’s been a year since last time I went to spa for good massage, so yesterday I was thinking, ” Maybe today is time for me to relax,”. And after getting massage, I can sleep peacefully.
For point no. 5, you don’t have to do it, not everyone has luxury for this, some can’t afford and others don’t have time. You can change it with reading book or drawing, or anything that you feel as relaxing.
That’s all 5 things I do before I fully comeback to blogging. It’s brand new year, and one of my goal is being more productive with writing and Youtube.
Let’s make 2018 great year!!
Happy New Year, everyone!!
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