Posted in My Journal

Trip To Yogya: Reflection and Relaxation

Previously, I said I was going to write blogs back at the end of June, but there were so many things I wanted to tell here, so I decided to write again after a week on vacation in my parents’ home town, Yogyakarta.

This year is actually quite different from previous years. In 2016 and 2017, my father and I didn’t go to Yogya because we were both busy. This year we finally can go with one of my uncle who live in the same city. Since we didn’t use our usual car, we spent more time at grandpa’s house. I thought I was going to get bored, but there was something else that I got.

1. Morning walk with father

Initially, there was no plan we were going to do this routine, but the first night we slept at grandpa’s house, I was short of breath. Apparently my asthma relapsed due to sleep in room with damp wall. My father also advised to walk around the rice fields near the house every morning after dawn.

Honestly, I am too lazy to go out in the morning, except for work, but my father thinks, I rarely relapse because I breathe the fresh morning air. In the past, when I was still working in South Jakarta, I wake up early so I wouldn’t be late for work. Now, since I decided to work as a designer, I confined myself in my room. I’m a skeptic at first, but then I decided to follow my father’s advice.

And you know what? I love it.


Every morning, we passed the paddy field behind the grandpa’s house. As we passed it, it appeared that some of the plots had started to turn yellow. There are some farmers busy deploying tarpaulin to dry grain, some are busy spraying herbicides to kill the weeds around the paddy fields. Every time we passed the farmers, they stare us with a strange look, but after we greeted, they greeted back. Then one of our relatives told us that locals prefers use motorcycle, so they are surprised to see anyone walking. Plus my appearance is slightly different (my eyes is small and my skin is brighter than most Javanese).

I like this new routine. The air is still very fresh. The sun is shining bright enough, but the weather does not feel hot, it’s cooler. The streets on weekdays seem calm, and only crowded on Sundays, where teenagers riding their bikes to the south lane.

And this new activity also makes my relationship with my father more closer 🙂

2. Play with niece

This year, my family got new members. One of my cousins ​​had a daughter last year. Her daughter is cute, and since she is the first great-grandchild, everyone is very enthusiastic when meeting her. I also enjoyed playing with her. She is seven months old, and usually at that age, the baby is able to learn how to grip. So when she was near me, I will put a finger on her palm to stimulate her grip movements. The problem is, when she grasps, she will put what she holds to her mouth. I have to be careful every time she starts pulling my finger toward her mouth. ^^)

3. Iftar with the big family

FYI, the family we visited was the family of my mother side. She has four siblings: one younger sister and three younger brothers. One of her brothers was passed a few years before my mother, so there were only three of my mother’s siblings left.

Every time I go to Yogya, the moment I am most looking forward to is iftar. Ever since my mother’s youngest brother got married, grandpa’s house is filled with various dishes. My uncle one is lucky to have a wife who is good at cooking. They even open a food stall for additional income. Well, when we come, they’re here to prepare the iftar.


One of our favorite foods for iftar is tempe mendoan. It tastes delicious!

While we were eating, we watched TV show. Because there is my 4 year old cousin, we watch Upin and Ipin while enjoying tempe mendoan and hot tea.

Now, I miss those moments :’)

This year’s trip is not like the previous years, but I feel more peaceful and calm. I needed calm environment than walking in the crowd. This trip made me think more clearly.

This trip also opened my eyes, broaden my perception. I see how my family grows. They my not the richest or materially successful, but when I see them, I can see how simple their happiness is. There was no talk of why I was not married or why my big sister and one of my cousins ​​have no child yet. No, they didn’t talk about it. They enjoy the moment when all family member are eating together and talk some light topics. Honestly, it was the happiest time for me.

There is someone who states, depression can be cured by traveling. Maybe they shouldn’t state something like that. Yes, a person can recover from his depression (I won’t say healed completely because I also still suffer from depression when something trigger my trauma), if they able to change their environment. There’s people who need the their friend so they can talk their problem, and there’s people who need for me time. Whatever it is, I think one of the best therapies for depression is changing the atmosphere. For me personally, I apparently need a change from city to village. I need an atmosphere where I can think clearly.

Now, I can get back to completing my plan with a clear and peaceful mind. 🙂

How about you? Do you get something from your trip?

Posted in My Journal

Hiatus Announcement: See You On July

Quick note.

After last blog post, I think I need to distance myself from anything online. I know ranting on blog will be useless. My problem isn’t bigger than anyone else.

I know nobody care if I put this, but I think it’s part of my responsibility to let my reader know.

Also, I’ll be going to my parent’s hometown for celebrate Eid Al Fitr, so I probably won’t be able to write anything here.

It’s actually family tradition to visit other family in Eid Al Fitr, but in the last 2 years, my father and I wasn’t able to went there. Because it been 2 years since I met my big family, I think I should take more time to break from writing activity and even Youtube as well.

Another reason is I want to finish my Wattpad story (Rosemary) until the ending. My brain has been split between blogging, Wattpad, online shop and other work, and it cause me unable to concetrate on write next chapter.

I’m not sure when I’ll back writing here. I just notice sometime I take too much break whenever I’m stress (I’m scared if depression got me once again), but since I already made a goal to myself to be more productive on writing this year, I probably will make it around second week of July.


And let’s hope I’ll be able living as cyborg for the rest of my life.


Thank you for anyone who read my blog until today.

See you soon

Posted in My Journal

Am I Not Allowed To Get Angry?

I know I shouldn’t writing something like this on internet, but I don’t know where should I talk. Blog has become my safe space to discuss things I like recently, so I decide to write in here and since I know none of my family or friends will read this blog, I will be fine.

I know this post gonna be messy with nonsense writing since I’m on verge of harming myself again.

But I was wondering, am I asking too much?

I saw lots quotes related with mental illness, most of it stated ” It’s okay to feel sad”, but the reality is not like that. People hate me when I show my emotion, especially when I’m angry or upset. If I’m angry, they’ll be more angrier than me. It happens all the time. And I can’t hold it anymore.


I know I was destructive person when I’m angry, but why they have to get more angrier whenever I start showing emotion?

Am I not allowed to get angry?

Not only that, recently, I was warned by someone to not laugh because I probably disturbing the neighbors. But the thing is, none of my neighbors sent any complaints about how I laugh. Most of them even think that I’m expressionless. So I was thought, are you actually dislike me when I laugh eventhough we’re living in same house? Is it mean I can’t laugh in my own room?

This is getting too much.

Another person also said I should thinking more efficient when I have problem, and not being upset with it. Okay, that’s good advice, but is it wrong if I accidentally feeling upset with something? Am I suppose to have solutions 24/7 inside my head? Am I not allowed to be upset?

Another person said different thing. There’s day I accidentally being upset and almost cry, then this person said ” I don’t like it when you cry,”

So…I’m not allowed to cry too?

So what am I supposed to do? Being emotionless robot? Should I live like I’m cyborg?

I even feel guilty if I start laughing or upset, because I know, once people see it, they will be like, ” Don’t overreact,”

And today, I accidentally talk in angry tone because I was angry with something and I just wanna talk about it. Then she slams her plate as her response. I know what is mean. It means, ” Don’t overreact. It’s not a big deal,”

Every problems, even the biggest one that made me having a mental breakdown, is not big deal.

My problem is not real, it’s just me who can’t thinking rationally. Right now, I even doing something irrational: writing a blog post.

In the end of day, everything that I do is mistake. I shouldn’t write the blogpost, I shouldn’t be angry, I shouldn’t cry. It’s not a big deal. My problem isn’t bigger than anyone else.


Maybe I should die.


Posted in What I Read

Scarlet by Marissa Meyer: Little Red Riding Hood and Wolf

Cinder, the cyborg mechanic, returns in the second thrilling installment of the bestselling Lunar Chronicles. She’s trying to break out of prison—even though if she succeeds, she’ll be the Commonwealth’s most wanted fugitive.

Halfway around the world, Scarlet Benoit’s grandmother is missing. When Scarlet encounters Wolf, a street fighter who may have information as to her grandmother’s whereabouts, she is loath to trust this stranger, but is inexplicably drawn to him, and he to her. As Scarlet and Wolf unravel one mystery, they encounter another when they meet Cinder. Now, all of them must stay one step ahead of the vicious Lunar Queen Levana, who will do anything for the handsome Prince Kai to become her husband, her king, her prisoner.

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After Cinderella, now it’s Little Red Riding Hood’s turn to take part in the story of war between Earth and the Moon. This time, the location of the story moves to Europe, more precisely France (judging from the greeting used by the characters in Scarlet). In France, we meet a tough girl named Scarlet Benoit. In a previous book, Michelle Benoit is mentioned as a person who has information about Cinder’s past. Of course when you find a character with a similar last name, we can immediately know the relationship between this character with Michelle Benoit.

Unlike Cinder who was initially shy, Scarlet from the beginning showed her excessive emotions. This girl can be little bit rude, but I understand why she is like that. From the beginning of the story, Scarlet really focused on her goal: finding her grandmother. The story atmosphere is also feels more intense, compared with Cinder.

I love the way Marissa brings together two different stories: Cinder’s escape from prison and Scarlet looking for her grandmother. The number of pages is more than the previous book because Marissa separates each story in different chapters. For example, the first chapter to third discusses Scarlet, then the fourth chapter discusses Cinder.

Just like the previous book, there is no instant love here. Scarlet even suspected Wolf when she found out Wolf had a tattoo like his father had told her. Their chemistry grows along with the trust that arises in their interactions.

Narration on Scarlet’s story was different from Cinder. You could say, feels more intense. Scarlet interaction with other characters is different. In Cinder, we still find warmth of friendship between Iko and Cinder, sisters bonding with Peony, while in Scarlet, I only feel anxiety and fear all the time.

So far, I love Scarlet story, with all developments that happen inside the story. I can’t wait to read Cress as soon as possible! ^ w ^)


For Indonesia version, you can click here

Posted in What I Play

{New Walkthrough} Save Nephew and Planet in Moonsouls: Echoes of Past

You and your nephew Isaac are excited to bring your wares to the Victory Day Festival. But your plans are interrupted when a strange vessel falls from the sky! When Isaac becomes trapped inside, it’s up to you to free him! This won’t be an easy task, as an otherworldly foe has more destructive plans in mind. Can you use new technologies and abilities to save Isaac and the world in time?

Moonsouls - Echoes of Past



Developer: Mad Head Games

Note: This is the last walkthrough before I take holiday until end of June.

Posted in What I Read

Illuminae by Jay Kristoff and Amie Kaufman: How To Survive In Space

This morning, Kady thought breaking up with Ezra was the hardest thing she’d have to do. This afternoon, her planet was invaded.

The year is 2575, and two rival megacorporations are at war over a planet that’s little more than an ice-covered speck at the edge of the universe. Too bad nobody thought to warn the people living on it. With enemy fire raining down on them, Kady and Ezra—who are barely even talking to each other—are forced to fight their way onto an evacuating fleet, with an enemy warship in hot pursuit.

But their problems are just getting started. A deadly plague has broken out and is mutating, with terrifying results; the fleet’s AI, which should be protecting them, may actually be their enemy; and nobody in charge will say what’s really going on. As Kady hacks into a tangled web of data to find the truth, it’s clear only one person can help her bring it all to light: the ex-boyfriend she swore she’d never speak to again.



This is the first time I read a novel with minimal narrative description  and has lots dialogue between characters. It’s very rare finding a novel that prioritize interactions through messages (somehow it remind me with mIRC and e-Buddy). Usually, fictional novels emphasize narrative descriptions, which sometimes forget the main plot. Well, it doesn’t there’s no narrative, but only few pages that has the description.

I was worried it would be hard to understand a story with a unique format like this. Fortunately, it didn’t happen. I just enjoyed it! I couldn’t stop laughing when Kady managed to contact Ezra and Ezra had mistaken her as someone else. Kady’s reply is really funny 😂

Among all the attached documents, the one I’m most afraid of is AIDAN. Every readable data from AIDAN is feels…..awful. In contrast to the data derived from Kady, Ezra or other staff. The data belongs to this AIDAN …. how to describe it? Well … it’s a little complicated, to me. There was a time when I understood why he was acting like that, but in the next few pages, I didn’t.

All Illuminae characters, even the highest official characters, are “gray”. All of them lost their mind to save themselves. I just wondering, what if the real enemy is not Lincoln or BeiTech, but their own ego?


For Indonesian version, click here

Posted in What I Read

Gantung by Nadia Khan: When The Friendship Is Tested

Gibbs, Ray, KJ are Troll are best friends at an elite secondary school. They have a code: none of them can have an exclusive relationship with a girl; she must be shared. But when one of the guys breaks this code, the consequences turn dire – and even deadly.

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When I first read it, I’m surprised by how vulgar the narrative is. I was thought, “Geez, how brave she is. This is not an error, right? “. Then, I turn over the book and find something at the bottom of the synopsis:


It said, ” For Adult”

Maybe next time the warning should be written on the front cover, not behind. (-_- “)


Although the writing style that Nadia use is kinda….vulgar (I’m very old school person), but I was amazed by the friendship of these four young men. And among them, I like Gibbs and Ray.

The reason?

Because their character development. Although Gibbs portrayed as playboy, but it turns out Gibbs still have a conscience. While Ray (the author deserves applause for creating his character because he described as “gay”), seemed more mature than his friends.

I also love the way the author includes details on what happened to Gibbs and his friends. Everytime the author switch the POV, she puts it in a new chapter, so it is not confusing but still gripping (especially in the middle to the end). The plot twist made me emotional. I feel little bit weird because I’m not a fan of romance, but I was touched by Gibbs and Fara’s love story. 😦


For Indonesia version, click here